post-op day 3 [xmas day]

mmm… christmas.  i think it was still snowing outside.  wasn’t sure.  the hydromorphone coupled with really dirty windows and crappy shades didn’t allow for me to be clear on what was happening outside. we’ll just say it was a white christmas.

doctors came in and said… time to take the tubes out.  ok, cool.  are you sure i’ve drained enough?  yeah, you have, and any excess fluid should be reabsorbed by your body pretty quickly as long as you keep moving around. ok.

but first… the catheter.  now, i’m not sure if any of you have had a catheter before.  they suck.  but they can be kinda nice.  i mean, you don’t have to get up to pee.  ever.  but, then you also have a tube in your… anyways… i had heard how it was to come out.  nurse came in and was trying to be all courteous by not lifting my gown or blankets.  after a week of the most intense pain of my life… you just don’t care about decency.  out comes this massive needle.  apparently there is a balloon [skip to the next paragraph if you don't want to know the rest of this bit] that is inflated with water inside your bladder.  that keep the tube in there.  so, she’s going to extract the water out of the balloon and then on the count of three just pull on the tube.  now, i had also heard that the reproduction of the interior lining of the whole setup down there is rapid.  like half a day rapid.  that means… it could be somewhat attached to the tubing.  which means pain.  down there.  yes, down there.  whatever… fuck it.

it wasn’t that bad really.  ok, but now you have a major issue on your hands. for days, you’ve not had to know or care if you had to pee.  but it didn’t matter cus you really had no control.  there was a tube in the way to cut off control.  but now, no tube, and you don’t know if your body will remember how to control.  or know if you have an urge.  just to be safe, i stuck a urinal between my legs for the rest of the afternoon.  i mean… c’mon!  what if i just started to pee and i had no clue?  that would be warm, yes, but also stinky and then i’d have to get my bed changed.  i’d look like an invalid in front of all the nurses.  it would be not cool.

about this time, my pca ran out.  it said i had used up all my dosage.  so i dial up the nurse.  she comes in, and i tell her the pca is out again.  she brings in another nurse and they dick around with the pca, clearly not understanding how it works.  they finally tell me i had used too much over the previous four hours.  excuse me?  how could i have done that if the first hour i was sleeping, so i wasn’t even using the pca, and the rest of the time i was just doing it every six minutes like i’ve been doing the whole week.  well… they told me it didn’t matter, the machine was saying i had used my maximum.

now, earlier, before surgery, the anaesthesiologist had asked if i wanted an epidural or to use the pca. i said pca, cus the epidural isn’t fun to get either.  now, the way it was explained to me is that with a pca, you get a maximum dosage per time frame, and then they break it down so that every six minutes, you get enough to last you the entire time frame.  thus you can never go “over” your maximum dosage.  guess i was “wrong”.

anyways… up next was the tube extraction.  with no pain meds.

the doctor finally comes in to extract my tubes.  it’s now been three hours since i last had any pain meds.  this should be fun.  first up is the tube they installed on my side.  now, i had no clue how much pain i was in for.  the doctor said it wouldn’t be bad at all.  i’ve heard that before.

first he has to cut the stitches that hold the tubes in place.  that was pretty painful.  and 1-2-3 hummmmmmmmmm.  out he pulls the tube.  it wasn’t that long, but now you can hear yourself “breathing” through a hole in your chest.  your diaphragm is still working, so the pressure difference is still there.  the hole on the side just starts destroying my bed.  shooting massive amounts of bodily fluids and blood everywhere.  the doctor was shocked it was so bad, so he took some gauze, and handed it to me and asked me to cover the hole up and hold it.  um, what?  ok.  he left to go get a suture kit.  came back and sutured me up with stitches.  now… i’ve gotten plenty of stitches before.  they were never too bad, but i had pain meds.  this time, not so lucky.  it hurt.  really really fucking hurt.  that’s the best i can explain it.  now were the other two.  now, i was expecting these chest tubes to be pretty short as well.  not so fortunate.

pause.  the humming.  doctor asked me to take a big deep breath and hum while he pulled on the tube.  it is supposed to help you relax the muscles and then the tube can be slid out easier.  well, on the second hole, my breath wasn’t that big, and i hummed a little fast.  so halfway through pulling the tube out, i had to breath again and hum again.  i could only see his arms moving, and it was like he was reeling in a fish.  these tubes were long.  they went all the way up to my heart.  the holes are just above my belly button.

the third and final hole, i was told to try and not stop humming.  just keep humming until the tube is all the way out. ok, i did that.  now the third and final hole was also “breathing” while i was breathing.  it was really freaky.  he didn’t suture this one up.  instead, on the front two holes he applied vaseline infused gauze and a foam tape.  that’s it.  then he left.

it was a bit shocking.  that’s it?  now i have three holes in my chest, and that’s it?  hmmm.

about an hour later a nurse comes in and says i have to head downstairs to radiology to get some xrays done.  um… can i please get some pain meds?  please?  just get the pca working again.  the nurse said the pca should be working again.  i hit it once.

i didn’t feel normal for hours after that.  apparently, i got grossly over medicated from the pca.  it must have built up.  but now i had just been handed a few grams of hydromorphone.  i was useless.  upon my return from radiology, all i wanted to do was sit in the wheelchair and just pass out.  no offense to users, but i’m totally not cut out for drug use.  i hated it.  it wasn’t until the early morning hours that i started to feel ok again.  it was not fun.  i think i ate some food before passing out, but then the night sweats started again and it was gonna be a long night.